Poker Quotes Funny
Top 10 Poker Quotes. Movie quotes are how a number of beginning players catch the online poker bug. Nothing like funny poker quips and catchy one-liners from iconic characters oozing cool to get you craving some card action. Dogs Playing Poker. The famous series of 1903 paintings by C.M. Coolidge depicting man's best friend playing the game of. Funny Ultra Soft Holiday Underwear for Women - Christmas Underwear Female. 4.4 out of 5 stars 10. Get it as soon as Thu, Jan 7. FREE Shipping on orders. A show lives on through its reruns and its best lines. Between Jess and Nick Miller, there’s enough funny for the future generations to stumble upon and appreciate forever. Or they could just check out this site. We’ve therefore compiled a list of over 50 of our favorite New Girl quotes.
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Check out our collection of funny gambling jokes. We are sure they will make you laugh. If you have any gambling jokes as good, upload them at the bottom of this page.
1) I just bet £100 at the bookies that they would find Maddie, at 1000-1 odds. That way, if they ever do find her, I’ll be able to afford a fucking good lawyer.
Check out Really Funny Lawyer Jokes
2) Chuck-E-Cheese, because it’s never too early to introduce your child to poor nutrition and gambling.
3) My wife has left me because I am a compulsive gambler. I’d do anything to win her back.
4) Poker is like sex – everyone thinks they’re the best, but most people don’t have a clue what they’re doing. Dutch Boyd
Check out Really Funny Sex Jokes
5) What’s the difference between prayer in church and prayer in a casino? In a casino, you really mean it.
6) A blond girl playing freeroll was taking her time and playing very slow. The timer was started and she still could not take a decision how to play the hand. Her friend asked her with surprise, “What is going on? Why aren’t you playing?” The blond girl replied, “I am playing! I am just slow-playing aces!”
Check out some of the funniest Dumb Blonde Jokes ever
7) Why didn’t the elephant like to play cards in the jungle? Because there were too many cheetahs.
8) They say one in every seven friends have a gambling addiction. My money’s on Dave.
Check out Really Funny Money Jokes
9) What did the giraffe say to the tiger at the poker table? I thought you were a cheetah.
10) What’s the difference between a poker player and a dog? In about ten years, the dog quits whining.
Check out Really Funny Animal Jokes
11) Whats the difference between online poker and live poker? You can cry after a bad beat online and no one will laugh at you.
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12) Sign you might have a poker addiction: your kids are named check and raise.
13) I put a thousand pounds on a horse. The fucking thing collapsed.
Check out some of the best Horse Jokes ever published
14) Chuck Norris won the World Series of Poker using Pokemon cards.
15) “I am looking for the book named ‘How to win easily and fast with poker.'” “Please check at the fantastic literature counter.”
16. Husband Comes Home After Gambling
I came home from the pub four hours late last night.
“Where the fuck have you been?” screamed my wife.
I said, “I’ve been playing poker with some blokes.”
“Playing poker with some blokes?” she repeated. “Well, you can pack your bags and go!”
“So can you,” I said. “This isn’t our house anymore.”
17. Professional Gambler Screws Everyone In The Bar
During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, “Bartender, I’d like to buy the house a round of drinks.”
The bartender said, “That’s fine, but we’re in the middle of the Depression, so I’ll need to see some money first.”
The guy pulled out a huge wad of notes and set them on the bar. The bartender can’t believe what he’s seeing. “Where did you get all that money?” asked the bartender.
“I’m a professional gambler,” replied the man.
The bartender said, “There’s no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?”
“Well, I only bet on sure things,” said the guy.
“Like what?” asked the bartender.
“Well, for example, I’ll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye,” he said.
The bartender thought about it. “Okay,” he said.
Poker Quotes Funny
So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. “Aw, you screwed me,” said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.
“I’ll give you another chance. I’ll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye,” said the stranger.
The bartender thought again and said, “Well, I know you’re not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I’ll take that bet.” So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.
“Aw, you screwed me again!” protested the bartender.
“That’s how I win so much money, bartender. I’ll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars,” said the man.
With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, “Bartender, I’ll give you one last chance. I’ll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whisky bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop.”
The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn’t even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. “Okay, you’re on,” he said.
The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whisky bottle.
The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, “Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!”
The guy climbed down off the bar and said, “That’s okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!”
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Related Links: 1. Gambling Jokes from Sickipedia.org 2. Gambling Jokes from Jokes4us.com
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- “Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.” ~ Steven Wright
- “Avoid people with gold teeth who want to play cards.” ~ George Carlin
- “The next best thing about gambling and winning is gambling and losing.” ~ Nick “The Greek” Dandalos
- “Money isn’t everything unless you’re playing a rebuy tournament.” ~ Unknown
- “If there weren’t luck involved, I would win every time.” ~ Phil Hellmuth
- “Trust everyone but always cut the cards.” ~ Benny Binion
- “If you’re playing a poker game and you look around the table and can’t tell who the sucker is, it’s you.” ~ Paul Newman
- “Poker has the feeling of a sport, but you don’t have to do push-ups.” ~ Penn Gillette
- “Bad beats will, from time to time, still rob you like a crack addict with an empty pipe.” ~ Rick Dacey
- “Going on tilt is not ‘mixing up your play.’” ~ Steve Badger
- “Poker is a lot like sex. Everyone thinks they are the best, but most don’t have a clue what they are doing.” ~ Dutch Boyd
- “You played that hand like a vegan.” ~ Erick Linderer (to Daniel Negreanu)
- “May the flop be with you.” ~ Doyle Brunson
- “Poker is 100% skill and 50% luck.” ~ Phil Hellmuth
- “It’s not whether you won or lost, but how many bad beat stories you were able to tell.” ~ Grantland Rice
- “I never saw a poker player’s money that I did not like.” ~ Oklahoma Johnny Hale
- “It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to be good at poker.” ~ Phil Gordon
- “They say poker is a zero-sum game. It must be, because every time I play my sum ends up zero.” ~ Max Shapiro
- “No river, no fish.” ~ Amarillo Slim
- “The beautiful thing about poker is that everybody thinks they can play.” ~ Chris Moneymaker
- “The guy who invented poker was bright, but the guy who invented the chip was a genius.” ~ Julius “Big Julie” Weintraub
- “I must complain the cards are ill-shuffled till I have a good hand.” ~ Jonathan Swift
- “Old card players never die, they just shuffle away.” ~ Unknown
- “No-limit holdem: Hours of boredom followed by moments of sheer terror.” ~ Tom McEvoy
- “If you play bridge badly, you make your partner suffer, but if you play poker badly you make everybody happy.” ~ Joe Laurie, Jr.
- “To be a poker champion you must have a strong bladder.” ~ Jack McClelland
- “I don’t play any two suited cards. I play any two non-suited cards. That way I’m drawing at two different flushes.” ~ Amarillo Slim
- “Every poker player, like every fisherman, needs to have a story in a box, and most poker stories are completely uninteresting.” ~ Jason Alexander
- “Omaha is a game that was invented by a Sadist and is played by Masochists.” ~ Shane Smith
- “Poker is generally thought to be America’s second most popular after-dark activity. Sex is good, they say, but poker lasts longer.” ~ Al Alvarez
- “Dogs are lousy poker players. When they get a good hand, they wag their tails.” ~ Unknown
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